Alice in Fungiland

Saturday, October 29, 2005

in fungiland

I have no time for friends , so i feel alone with my thoughts. i need support and i hate to feel this way. i guess im that kind of a person.
although i'm very curious by nature and am intrigued by the interconnectedness of things i have a very difficult time with the disccipline that educational intitutions require.
my life has been very colourful. i have been derooted many times (spatial relocation), partied heavily, then got incredibly depressed one day. i lost myself inside out until my epidermis at one point, few yrs ago. ...
Now am generally fine but sometimes i slip into a "no self-esteem" phase, like to/yester/day and one before.
Some things make me feel good, like music, but recently i haven't spared time for that. i haven't worked-out in a while.
What bothers me most now is that i am not focused on my main priority: uni. yet, at the same time, i haven't been productive in any other field. the house is a mess. etc.
I just found out today that Jules is leaving the city for a few weeks. the idea is freaking me out so much that it made me realise:
1-i'm profoundly in denial with my feelings towards this guy or 2-i'm have no selfesteem and am scared to be left on my own. i'm tending more towards the first suggestion. the reason for that is because
i find myself always "attacking" him, as if i didn't want to allow myself the pleasure of his loving.
My hands get ice-cold sometimes, so do my feet. i hate feeling frozenin time, and in temp.


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